You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
