i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
