I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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