The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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