I think I died a long time ago.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
