you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
