just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
