dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
