I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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