exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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