One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
