He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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