once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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