I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
