Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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