I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
