Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.