No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
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I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm determined to sit on that face.