I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…