You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She swung at the pinata with crutches
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.