I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
