dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
