My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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