Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
