Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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