I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's just like the Real World with babies
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
