Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
