his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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