Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
