Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
