I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
