im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
