screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
