I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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