Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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