I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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