the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
