There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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