i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
God, I missed his penis.
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