You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
