Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
