Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
