Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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