I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
