what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
