the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
