matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
