Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
