Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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