Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
