He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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