just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
