Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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