Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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