I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think I died a long time ago.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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