dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
