It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
and she was petting her beer can
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
