last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
