there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
