after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
