Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
