I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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