god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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