Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
