I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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