everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize