So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
